x-posted from my tumblr :D a post in which i slightly rant about the downside (beside the trashy writing) of “50 shades of grey”. Prompted by my mother and a discussion on the radio.
Okay before I start this rant or w/e it is, I want to point out I’ve grown up around the BDSM scene and whereas I’m no expert I do have a slightly better knowledge than most. I have also discussed this with my mom, who is heavily into the scene and in a dom/sub relationship. This post is literally just me putting pointless pixels on a screen and is my opinion. emphasis on opinion. oh i tend to repeat myself a lot and I’m too lazy to proof read or anything so HEY ERRORS
Tumblr has of course heard of this and like others I just had to go read what the hype was about. I only got about halfway through before deciding it was the worst thing ever. I can understand people liking it, especially 30+ woman who see it as a means to a fantasy. They were discussing on the radio how it feeds that kinky fantasy we all apparently have. The word kinky being key as to why it’s a very bad idea that people what is done in the book because it’s done in the book and they think they know what they’re doing. Kinky to me, and my mom, is a word used by middle aged people who have vanilla sex, but then one day decide “oh i want my bf/husband/partner to cuff me to the bed” Yeah, that’s kinky but this book depicts a bdsm lifestyle. I really do not like the word kinky. I have no problem with people wanting to spice up their love lives but I do have a problem with them using this book as a reference. I hope to god they don’t use dirty terms the author uses ‘cause wow I’d be turned off sex forever if someone did that to me.
RIGHT, woman (they didn’t bring in any men since it’s kind of more a woman’s talk show) in the discussion on the radio brought to my attention that most (note most) of the readers are infact unaware of the true side of BDSM and only know about what the media portrays to them. Some were saying it’s helped them to spice up there love lives while other were mentioning how they only see Mr. Gray or w/e as a control freak who beats up girls. This annoyed me. He doesn’t beat up girls. The “violence”, as they called it, is consensual play during sex. Whenever people say it’s just a man beating up a woman, in reference to a d/s etc relationship, I want to beat them up. It is only fair to use the word violence if the other isn’t consenting. They’ve read the book, this is still their opinion, yet they run blindly into the fantasies this book conjures. Pretty dangerous tbh. They pointed out how he lists what he expects etc when they are dining together as evidence for him being a control freak who just has to be in charge at every opportunity. WRONG. Yes he wants to be in control, thats kind of the point, but this is a very important thing if you enter a relationship in which “serve” a dom, master, sir w/e. You set out a list or even a contract. This list dictates soft limits (eg. will only do if consented when asked by Dom, not too keen on it though), hard limits (eg. do not do it ever, no if, buts, ands) and everything in between. Usually you’ll set safe words at this point too. The two I know of are 1) safe word used to indicate you need a break or slow down. 2) stop. stop right now. My mom says there’s usually three in the scene but I’m unsure of the third one. Christian is not a control freak for doing this. He is an incredibly sensible man. He is letting her know what he wants, setting things out and making sure they are both consenting. At no point does he force her into signing or anything.
It’s kind of worrying that this book is going so mainstream and so many people are unaware of the real risks. I’m all up for people experimenting but when you think having a list is controlling, then this lifestyle isn’t for you or you think its safe to just throw yourself in, take a step back and set the limits.
Best quote off the radio: “I’m not into pain or anything like that but me and my husband would like to try in the bdsm scene” from a woman who agrees that Christian is a control freak. Right, love, this lifestyle is 1000000% not for you. Please stay with vanilla sex, maybe throw in a new position or smth but stay away from being “kinky”. Maybe I’m bias toward all of this since for me, the bdsm scene is entirely “normal” for me and it took me a while to realise it wasn’t and the vanilla sex was normal. Along with realising bdsm wasn’t “normal”, I ended up realising my turn on’s weren’t either. Apparently it isn’t socially acceptable to put cigarettes out on yourself, strangle yourself or do any form of “self injury” (i hate that term so much ydek) because its what feels best or “turns me on”. Thats what I refuse to say I self harm as such or hide the evidence, because 1) 75% of the time it’s not you standard “self harm” 2) I shouldn’t have to anyway it’s my body. People like the woman on the radio show are the ones who give me dirty looks because of what they see on my arms, hands and legs but then use this book as a basis for a fantasy? I don’t understand. How can you judge something but then want to act it out? Oh right, because you think it’s just tying someone up and talking dirty to them up. Idk man, I had like a two hour long conversation with my mom over it. She pretty much thinks the same as me, excepts she likes the book. Of course I repeatedly told her I was ashamed of her.
song: 鏡音リン / ロードローラー