Lol. ∞ { Friday, 5 April 2013 @ 23:59 } CMT +

I haven't updated since Nov. Oops. A lot has happened at the same time as nothing happening. Fully aware that doesn't make sense. Major update? Recently, along with my bpd getting worse, my self esteem plummeting along with my anxiety going through the roof (can't even leave the house without having panic attacks now) I was diagnosed with EDNOS. Pathetic right? I love food, but my brain doesn't. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. Everyday is hell. Even the days where I can eat normally because I know the next day will be a day of guilt and self loathing. I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy. Suddenly, food is no longer food. Food is numbers, fat, weight, anxiety, guilt and dumbest of all? It's a punishment. I can't even get drunk and have one night off from my head because oh wait, alcohol has stupid amounts of calories. Despite the fact that I am now "underweight", past my goal weight (set when i was naively starting out this diet), constantly cold and either starving or in severe amounts of pain and unable to move - despite the fact I am screwing over my own body, my face is a mess, my hands are cracked and bleeding and none of my clothes fit, I'm still insistent I need to do this; I need to be thin. Why? If you know the answer please tell me because its fucking torture trying to work it out. I just want to eat and be happy. But oh well, no one is taking me seriously simply because I eat. And people are still under the misguided judgement that people with ed's don't eat. (hint: even anorexic's eat).