Woops, i forgot to blog yesterday. I'm usually reminded by blogger popping up on my drop down list on firefox but I'm on an old laptop and using chrome so.... no list.
I had to get up at nine today since counseling was at eleven. Getting up at any time before 1pm is a nightmare for me. Even with these tablets knocking me out at 1am, anything under 12 hours is not enough sleep. Last week, my counselor decided we should work through the DBT workbook together. It was kind of getting to the point where I was like "shit I don't know what I'm doing. Shall I kill myself to get out of doing the book?" And I almost set fire to it to get out of doing it.... Anyway, we went through it blah blah, I get to "meditate" more yay. Meditating for me is a nightmare because it involves closing my eyes while in a room with someone. This is a big no since I get hilariously paranoid and keep having to open my eyes. Luckily, since I've known my counselor for like three years it didn't take me long to just relax. Still, meditating type stuff is weird. I'm not used to it and actually having to pay attention to my guy instinct not my emotions is odd and something I'm not used to doing at all
Also went bra shopping. I do things the proper way and get fitted everytime I go. I don't get how people don't do that, like you're constantly changing. how do you know what size you are if you don't get fitted? Probably while like 60% of England don't have proper fitting bra's. I'm so glad it was the woman who usually does it cus I'm okay around her. But, the three mirrors in the changing room are FUCKING HELL. Like, I hate my body I don't need to hate it from two new angles. I always want to cry cus I get to see how fat and ugly I am lol
When I've mentioned it before people are like, oh if you hated it you wouldn't go, but you see, my need to look decent over rides my hate of myself. Even though I know I'm ugly and never look good, etc. my need to make sure clothes fit, things look nice is way bigger and I'll risk the ten minutes of wanting to smash the mirror for having fitting bras. Its weird though, since I hate my boobs and wish they were gone, but I always get bras that make them bigger. Logic? I may aswell make them look good while they're there. I can't bind since well yeah.
song: ゴールデンボンバー / 女々しくて -English Version-
manga: naruto chap. 590