possible tw: self injury, bpd /
Things went downhill from there thanks to mood swings and possibly infected arm. I'm currently talking two different anti-depressants and mood stabilisers, all of which seem to be doing a big fat nothing in terms of helping my moods. Mood stabilisers have once again decreased in dose, along with one anti-depressant; the other one is new and I've only been on it for three weeks. Results of this? Suicide is on my brain 90% of the time, I'm constantly angry and self harm has gone up, but it's still better than me being on nothing. A good thing, maybe, is my newest anti-depressant acts something like a sedative (basically spent the first three days in a coma) which means I'm too lazy to do any series damage to myself. A lot of people have had good experiences with this medication and BPD but I think medication is going to really do anything for me. Oh, except when they decide that they do want to put me on anti-psychotics and throw the whole "you'll overdose" risk out in hopes I'll get better. Bless the mental health system. The nurse who does my medication (I have two - therapist and medication woman) started blabbering something about long-term psychological work the other day and I have no idea what she was on about. I'm currently working through some "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" work book. How to sum up the book? Have sex, breathe and meditate. Which is all well and good except I don't like touching people and my attention span isn't good enough to meditate. I tried and about two minutes in I was thinking about something entirely different and forgot what I was doing (another wonderful side effect of the meds I'm on). Dialectical is designed specially for Borderline people, but I don't know. I can't work out whether I'm just not dedicated enough to allow it to work, or it doesn't work for me. I do (kind of) want to get better, despite the fact that that involves change and I am scared of change. It's kind of like fighting a losing battle against myself - like my borderline etc issues are another me, and whereas I want to get better, the other me doesn't want to and constantly makes sure I don't. Take today for example: refusal to take my meds this morning, and yesterday (I wonder why I feel sick and dizzy) then my own healing arm triggers me to self harm more, all while I have no real control over the situation and don't realise I've done it till I'm left with cleaning up. How do you win against that really? Hah, everything's a nightmare at the moment. My counselor says I can text her whenever but jesus christ, they're just so much going on in my head I can't put it into a text. Plus, I'm scared of talking to people. It'd probably take me three days to pluck up the courage to press send and this is a woman I've known for three years and knows a lot of my issues. I'm going to stop typing now because seriously this post is becoming way too long. I'm too lazy to go back and read through this so ignore any errors or w/e. Also, I'm about to throw my xbox against a wall if it doesn't stay connected to the internest. Or if last.fm doesn't stay connected. Another also, I'm totally sick of seeing Loki/Tom Hiddleston (w/e) on my tumblr dash.
ps: I can't reply to comments and idk why ヽ(`Д´)ノ so I have to reply via another comment
song: World's end Girlfriend / TEEN AGE ZIGGY
song: とても痛い痛がりたい / 天月
video: http://youtu.be/ZAg0lUYHHFc
manga: Naruto - chap 585
anime: kimi to boku ep. 6 / Hyoka ep. 3